My Child Just Started Kindergarten...Are They Ok?

One thing I've learned from my years teaching kindergarten is this:

Kindergarten parents are some of the most anxious parents in the school.

And honestly, it makes sense.

This is especially true when your kindergartener is your first child to start school. Not only is your child brand new to school, you are too.

Until now, you may have known almost everything about your child's day. Who they played with. What they ate. Whether they went to the bathroom. Why they cried. Who comforted them.

Now you're dropping your "little" off with a teacher and ECE you've only just met, and they're disappearing into a classroom for most of the day.

That's a big adjustment.

You're probably bringing your own school experiences along with you too. Maybe you loved kindergarten. Maybe you hated it. Those experiences can shape what we hope for, fear and expect for our own children.

So this week's School, Decoded is for you, worried kindergarten parent.

Don't worry. I've got ya.

Here are some of the questions I heard again and again when I taught kindergarten.

This is such an understandable concern.

A kindergarten classroom can look very different from home, preschool or daycare. Suddenly, your child is sharing the adults in the room with a lot of other little people.

In Ontario, kindergarten classrooms with more than 16 students have an educator team made up of a teacher and an Early Childhood Educator, or ECE.

So yes, your child will probably receive less one-on-one adult attention than they did at home or in a smaller childcare setting.

But they're gaining something else that's incredibly important.

They're learning how to be at school.

How to join a group. Wait. Share an adult's attention. Solve little problems. Work alongside other children. Make friends. Become increasingly independent.

Kindergarten educators also do a LOT of work in small groups. At any given time, the teacher or ECE might be working with four or five students while the other educator monitors and engages with children who are building, creating, playing, reading or exploring. 

And if a child is really struggling?

We notice.

Educators find opportunities to give that child extra reassurance, connection and support while helping them gradually become part of the classroom community.

First, accidents happen in kindergarten.

All. The. Time.

Even a child who has been completely toilet trained for months may have an accident at school. They're distracted. They're playing. They wait too long. They're nervous about asking. Their clothes are harder to manage than they realized.

It happens.

Send a complete change of clothes that can stay at school: underwear, socks, pants or shorts, and a shirt. Label everything. And when those clothes come home, send another set back.

But here's something that's important for parents to know:

Arriving at kindergarten independently toilet trained is a definite advantage for your child.

Teachers and ECEs will help prevent accidents by reminding children to use the bathroom, showing them where to go and helping them manage when an accident does happen. But kindergarten educators aren't there to toilet train children. In a typical classroom, educators also aren't able to sit with children while they use the toilet or wipe them afterward. 

That's why independence with toileting is such a helpful skill to practise before school.

Work on pulling pants up and down, wiping independently, flushing, washing hands and, just as importantly, knowing how to ask an adult for help.

If your child isn't independently toilet trained when they start school, don't panic, but do talk to the school. Let them know where your child is at and ask what support will look like. Individual needs and school or board procedures can vary, so it's much better to have that conversation ahead of time than wait for the first accident to figure it out.

Ahhh, the full lunchbox coming home.

Parents hate this one.

Eating at school is very different from eating at home. Your child may be busy talking, distracted by friends, unable to open a container or simply too excited to eat. And don't worry, there are plenty of opportunities to eat throughout the school day. Sometimes they're just too busy being kindergarteners to actually do it!

So if that lunchbox keeps coming home untouched, start by asking why.

Were you not hungry? Did you like what I sent? Was the container hard to open? Did you run out of time? Did you know you could ask someone for help?

One untouched lunch isn't a crisis.

Look for a pattern.

If it's happening regularly, reach out to the teacher. You don't need to send a panicked email. Something as simple as:

"I've noticed that Maya is bringing most of her lunch home every day. Would you mind gently reminding her to eat and letting me know if you're noticing anything?"

This is especially common at the beginning of the year when everything is new and exciting.

Most kids figure it out.

In the meantime, give them a good breakfast, offer something nutritious after school and please make sure they can open their own lunch containers.

That one small skill makes a surprisingly big difference.

This one can break a parent's heart.

Some children arrive in kindergarten and walk through the door like they own the place.

Others hang back.

They watch. They stay close to an adult. They aren't quite sure how to walk up to another four-year-old and say, "Want to play?"

That's okay.

Teachers notice these kids.

Helping children learn how to make and be a friend is an important part of kindergarten. We might pair a shy child with someone more outgoing, connect a nervous JK with a kind SK, model how to join a game or talk about sharing, kindness and problem-solving.

For many children, it just takes time.

At home, instead of asking only, "Who did you play with today?" try:

Who made you laugh today? Who likes playing with Lego too? Who did you sit beside? Is there anyone you'd like to play with tomorrow?

Listen for names that keep coming up. If your child seems to be connecting with someone, consider setting up a playdate outside of school to give that friendship a little more time to grow. 

And if your child continues to tell you they're lonely, ask the teacher:

"What are you seeing?"

You may discover that your child actually plays with several children throughout the day. Or the teacher may say, "I've noticed that too. Here's what we're working on."

Both are useful information.

This might be the hardest one.

Your child clings to you. They cry. Maybe they beg you not to leave.

And eventually, you walk away feeling terrible.

But remember just how little some of these kids are. Some children are only three years old when they walk through the kindergarten doors for the first time. Even at four or five, saying goodbye to a parent and spending a full day in a brand-new environment is a huge adjustment.

Some separation anxiety at the beginning of kindergarten can be completely developmentally normal. It doesn't necessarily mean your child is unhappy at school or isn't ready to be there.

Here's the part you don't get to see.

Sometimes that same child is happily building with blocks five minutes later.

I've seen it many times.

The goodbye can be genuinely difficult even when the rest of the day is going beautifully.

The crying child is the last image you see.

The teacher sees what happens next.

So ask:

"How long does it take them to settle after I leave?"

The answer may surprise you.

Of course, if your child remains extremely distressed throughout the day, isn't settling as the weeks pass or their anxiety seems to be increasing rather than improving, that's different.

That's when you and the teacher should talk about what you're both seeing and how you can support your child together.  For some children, a temporarily modified schedule can help while they adjust. That might mean starting with half days or, if your family and school can accommodate it, having a midweek day at home to rest and reset. It doesn't have to be forever. Sometimes a little extra breathing room at the beginning is all they need before gradually working up to the full school week.

This one surprises a lot of parents.

Your child holds it together all day at school and then walks through the front door and...

Meltdown.

Crying. Whining. Irritability. Fighting with siblings. Getting upset over something that normally wouldn't bother them.

Or maybe they go the other way and completely crash. They curl up on the couch, fall asleep in the car or suddenly seem exhausted at 4:00 in the afternoon.

Remember, kindergarten is a big day for a little person.

They're navigating new routines, lots of noise and activity, other children, transitions, expectations and the constant work of figuring out how to be at school.

By the time they get home, they may simply be spent.

And home is often where children feel safest letting all of those feelings out. They're back with their people, in their familiar space, and some kids who seemed perfectly fine all day finally let go once they're home. 

It doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong at school.

For the first little while, think low-key after school.

Have a snack ready. Offer some quiet time. Cuddle on the couch. Colour, build Lego, read a book, play outside or just let them do absolutely nothing for a while.

They may not need another activity. They may just need to decompress.

And if your child goes to before- or after-school care and is really struggling with the length of the day, see whether you can temporarily shorten it if that's an option for your family. Maybe a grandparent or another family member can pick them up a little earlier once or twice a week while they adjust to the new routine.

Not every family has that flexibility, of course, and that's okay.

But if you do, a couple of shorter days can sometimes give a tired little kindergartener some extra breathing room while they get used to this very big new chapter.

That's okay.

Really.

That's what kindergarten is for.

Children arrive with a huge range of skills. Some are already reading. Some know every letter and sound. Some can print their full name beautifully. Others are still learning how to hold a pencil comfortably.

Kindergarten educators expect that range.

Your child's educators will be teaching early reading, writing and mathematical skills while also helping children develop independence, self-regulation, problem-solving and social skills.

In other words:

Your child isn't supposed to arrive having already mastered the things they're coming to school to learn.

And I wouldn't panic about academics during the first few weeks. Teachers are watching and assessing from the beginning, but we need time to get to know your child.

By later in the fall, we have a much clearer picture of their strengths, what they're working on and whether anything deserves a closer look.

That's one reason fall parent-teacher conversations are so valuable.

Go. Even if you have absolutely no concerns.

Sometimes the teacher has something important to share. Sometimes they have something wonderful to share. And sometimes you simply leave understanding your child as a learner a little better than you did before.

You don't need to make this into a big deal.

Honestly, some of the most helpful things you can practise are the little skills that make your child more independent at school.

Opening their lunch containers. Putting on their coat and shoes. Using the bathroom independently. Recognizing their belongings. Cleaning up. Asking an adult for help. Following a simple direction. Waiting for a turn.

These are big kindergarten skills.

And read together.

Read funny books. Read the same book 47 times (or more!). Talk about the pictures. Notice letters, sounds and rhyming words. Count things. Draw. Colour. Build. Play with playdough (fabulous for building fine motor skills needed for pencil grip!)

Let reading together be something they love.

And try not to turn home into a second classroom.

Starting kindergarten isn't only a transition for your child.

It's a transition for you too.

You're handing your very little person to a world you can't see for much of the day.

You don't know whether they ate their lunch. Who they played with. Whether somebody hurt their feelings. Whether they needed help in the bathroom. Whether someone noticed when they were feeling a little lost.

That's hard.

Especially with your first child.

So ask questions. Talk to the teacher. Go to the parent-teacher interview.

But also give your child, and yourself, a little time to adjust.

Because sometimes the things that look worrying during those first few weeks aren't signs that kindergarten is going badly.

Sometimes they're simply signs that your child is learning how to be a kindergartener.

And they're allowed to take a little time to figure it out.

Talk soon,

Susie

School, Decoded is an independent publication reflecting my own views and experiences as an educator. It is not affiliated with or endorsed by my employer or any school board.